Fear and Truth

In a 2005 Gallup poll, a national sample of adolescents between the ages of 13 and 15 were asked what they feared the most. The question was open ended and participants were able to say whatever they wanted. The most frequently cited fear (mentioned by 8% of the teens) was terrorism. The top ten fears were, in order: terrorist attacks, spiders, death, being a failure, war, heights, criminal or gang violence, being alone, the future, and nuclear war.

I fear sometimes that I lost my religiosity for the wrong reasons, that God and Jesus really are the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and that I am jeopardizing my soul's eternal well-being by my agnosticism. I fear that eternal judgment may well exist.

I worry that I should be setting my sights higher than being a humble (yet noble) teacher. I am very conflicted about this. People have told me that they "can't wait to see [my] name in lights someday" since I was a child, and my friends and family always said that I had the potential to cure cancer or end world hunger or do something really incredible. But I've always felt like the incredible things start with something small, and I enjoy having a small effect on a lot of people. In 50 years, my students will (hopefully) remember me, their crazy Chinese teacher. That's powerful stuff. And if they go on to do quote-unquote "amazing" things, I will have had a part in all their success. Another part of me thinks that I should be doing those great things. Just what they are remains a mystery at this point, because the definition of success and greatness is so relative... What, exactly, does 'incredible' mean? At the same time, I also have the feeling that I am on the path towards greatness. If my experience has taught me anything, it's that being on the right path is sometimes enough. You don't have to go searching for the opportunities because they'll come find you if you're open to them. Put your desire out into the universe, and you will be answered. Is it really that easy? Well, if you want something that badly, then every decision you make (whether obviously or obliquely related to that desire) will bring you closer to your goal. Everything you do is tied to it. That's why it's so important to figure out what you want, even if it changes. You can't go through life not knowing what you want, for then you'll wander aimlessly. Follow the signposts, the coincidences, and you'll end up where you're meant to be.

I fear losing sight of what's really important. If you haven't read or seen the play Our Town by Thornton Wilder, you should do so immediately. I'm resolved to read or see that play at least twice a year for the rest of my life. Act 1: Daily Life. Act 2: Love and Marriage. Act 3: Death and Eternity. It's a play about seeing your life from a future perspective, about living your life one day at a time, considering each new day as your last, and truly appreciating and taking advantage of your time here, the people you meet, the experiences you have. Life should be valued, "every, every minute." Most people don't realize life while they live it. "The saints and poets, maybe -- they do some." What amazing gifts life and consciousness are! What amazing gifts family and friends are. But do I really think about that all the time? I think I should, and I fear I don't enough. Like everyone else, I get wrapped up in other things ... selfish things ... and I make silly decisions based on silly reasoning. I fear that one day I will regret not being able to be a true Buddhist about life, so I really want to reach Nirvana soon! I'm on my way. I should talk to my family every day. I should write long emails and have long phone conversations with people I care about as often as I can. I should visit friends and be an active communicator. I should tell people how much they mean to me and how lucky I feel to know them. I should take time at the end of the day to do a self-examination and relive my life, analyze my interactions with people, and regroup. But culture and misplaced values and pleasure of the moment get in the way. So in a way, I see living in the moment as a paradox, and I fear not being able to balance the paradox properly.

I fear that I'm not being healthy enough (eating right, exercising, etc.) and that I'm going to pay for it later.

The most important thing in life to me is that I never lose sight of these fears ... discarding them because it's easier to forget about them than it is to grapple with them. In other words, the most important thing to me about life is the truth. Genuine honesty. And sometimes the truth is hard to understand. Sometimes the truth doesn't make sense. Sometimes the truth isn't fair. Sometimes the truth takes a long time to accept. Sometimes the truth is hard to find. But "the Truth shall set you free." In truth is peace. I believe, for example, that if you can truly put yourself in someone else's shoes, you could never be angry at them. Wars would cease. But accepting other people's truths is very, very difficult. So I search not only for my own truths, but for other people's, in the hopes that I can see the world from many different perspectives. I love the idea that God is God because he sees the world through every single eye that has ever existed, exists now, and will exist in the future. That's why he's omniscient... that's why he's omnibenevolent... and that's why he's omnipotent. If everyone on earth prayed for the same thing at the same time, it would happen! So when people talk about seeing the world through God's eyes, I think they actually mean through others' eyes. And NOT through your eyes through other people's eyes (like what would it like for ME to be you for a day), but actually BEING someone else. But if everyone 'wants' peace and happiness, why do these tenets escape us most of the time? Because we're unwilling to let go of our own personal truth and admit that other people might be right. I think disagreement is fine -- and totally natural -- but judgment is not. And humans feel the need to judge others' truths as lesser or just plain wrong. This is exclusionary and narrowminded.

I think everything I enjoy doing, I enjoy because it taps into this idea of truth seeking. The books I read, the movies I watch, the conversations I have, the people I meet, the places I go, the subjects I teach... Buddhism, yoga, eastern philosophy, meditation... Making real connections with people means discovering their personal truths and respecting them and discussing them and pondering them. That's the marrow of life. That's what get's me up in the morning.


http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/truth/