Growing up

I've gotten a lot of comments lately regarding the length of time that's passed since my last post. FYI, a month or so in my life does NOT feel like a long time. So much has happened in typical whirlwind fashion since December 8, 2010.

Truthfully, when I started this blog, I promised myself that I could not feel beholden to my readership when writing. I would only write when I felt inspired to do so, when I had something to say. While part of me is flattered that you look forward to reading my words with such anticipation (don't give me a big head, please!), another part of me says, "Remember, this is for you just as much as it is for them." So I at once apologize for the delay and feel no remorse for it. I was extremely busy and had other matters to attend to - including sleep. Writing blog posts at 1 am is not a habit I'd like to maintain.You see, Christmastime is a very busy one in the life of a church musician. I also agreed to play four mini-musicals for "Directing the Musical" students at Emerson College, so I had rehearsals up the wazoo. I had also started music directing Willy Wonka at the middle school in my district, held a murder mystery party in my home for my work colleagues (to great success and acclaim!), had a slew of auditions for Annie, inducted 5 students into the National Chinese Honor Society for the first time in the history of my school, saw friends who were home for the holidays, performed at my grandmother's nursing home... And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I also went through a depressive spell (story of my life this year, it seems), but I'm feeling much better now. Wonka is about to perform, Christmastime is over, Annie just started rehearsals, I'll probably take a year off from teaching next year, and I'm looking to start a theatre company. So that's a little peek into my life.

And it brings me to the topic for today: adulthood. I think part of my recent malaise has had to do with the realization that I'm slowly entering adulthood. I don't like being burdened by responsibility. I don't like going to bed early. Like Alice (yes, Alice in Wonderland), I rebel against growing up. I do like having freedom, though, and money. Adults, I find, are really just older children with power. I remember sitting down at the lunch table for the first time at school with a bunch of adult colleagues and feeling totally out of place. As I listened to their conversation, though, I noticed that it didn't differ much at all from the type of discussion I might have had with my friends at college in the dining hall. They were gossiping, talking about their lives, discussing politics, telling each other about their plans for the weekend.

So what does it mean to be an adult? Obviously, like real life, there's no particular time you can point to and say "there it is!" I'm 26 years old, and I don't feel like an adult. But I guess I am. I have to be -- I'm a teacher! It's a choice; it's a mindset.

There are certain telltale signs.

1. Making your own decisions without feeling affected or burdened by other people's opinions of those decisions.
2. Setting aside childish ways -- bullying, trickery, etc.
3. Taking responsibility for your actions and owning up to them.
4. Realizing and embracing that there are no boundaries set for you from the outside; you have total freedom.
5. Understanding the appreciating the difference between short-term and long-term (goals, decisions, plans, what have you).

But in the end, it's your choice to grow up. And philosophically, talking about freedom, there's the classic "freedom to" and "freedom from" dilemma. As an adult, you are free in that you can (i.e. have the capacity to) eat healthfully, be financially responsible, dress nicely, floss, service your vehicle regularly, etc. But you could also just as well eat candy for breakfast, go to sleep late, drink too much, fail to keep track of your finances, play hours of video games a day and shirk your other responsibilities, etc. How about this: I'm an adult when I need to be. Hah! Maybe that's the key: showing enough forethought and consideration that you can adapt to the various situations in which you find yourself.

I haven't decided whether or not I like being an adult. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't. And I think that's OK. It's inevitable.

My all-time favorite musical, Sondheim's Merrily We Roll Along, includes a song called "Growing Up." I love it. And if you haven't seen this musical, you must. I'll leave you with the (pertinent) lyrics and a link to the song on Youtube.

...

So, old friends, now it's time to start growing up.
Taking charge, seeing things as they are.
Facing facts, not escaping them, 
Still with dreams, just reshaping them.
Growing up.

...

Every road has a turning
that's the way you keep learning.

So, old friends, don't you see we can have it all,
moving on, getting out of the past?
Solving dreams, not just trusting them,
taking dreams, readjusting them,
growing up, growing up.

Trying things, being flexible, bending with the road,
adding dreams when the others don't last.
Growing up, understanding that growing never ends.
Like old dreams,
some old dreams,
like old friends.

Life is knowing what you want, darling.
That's the only thing to know.
As I told you moons ago, darling,
nothing wrong with wanting.

...

Growing up means admitting the things you want the most.
Can't pursue every possible line.
Folding tents, making choices, 
ignoring all over voices, including mine. 
You're divine.

You decide on what you want, darling, 
not on what you think you should.
Not on what you want to want, darling,
Not from force of habit.

Once it's clearly understood, darling, better go and grab it.
Things can slip away for good, darling, what is it you really... hm? 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHwi_ISg2ZQ